Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
