I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
