Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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