if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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