My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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