I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
