Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
