Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
