Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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