I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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