Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
