I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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