i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
