On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
