At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
