Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
