I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
