I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
