So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
