Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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