I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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