the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Too much gin, very little bucket
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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