North Korea, Best Korea!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
