Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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