His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
