Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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