my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have aggressive nipples.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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