Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
