Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
