Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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