we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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