So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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