I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
