Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
