They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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