dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
