90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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