i think my mom watched the whole time
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
