My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Boobs are out for the taking
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
