she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
