I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
