My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Randomize
