i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
