my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The air was thick with penises
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
