happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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