Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
