i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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