so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
