My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
