all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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